Dying Star

I've been wrestling deeply these past few days with myself. My flaws, my weaknesses, my
shortcomings, my heart, my desires, just everything. Really wrestling with who I am and what I was made for. So tonight I was writing a paper and just listening to some music, when this song by Jason Upton called "Dying Star" came on, and just ripped straight through me. I mean it really just destroyed me in what can only be described as painfully beautiful. Here are the lyrics:

You've got your best man on the front side
You always show your best side
And evil's always on the other side
You say this is your strategy
But son I hope you take it from me
You look just like your enemy
You're full of pride

We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
And the greatest idol is you and me,
We better get on the threshing floor
When will we learn that God's strategy
Is giving glory to the Lord?
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord

Star how beautiful you shine
You shine more beautiful than mine
You shine from sea to shining sea
World-wide is your strategy
But shining star I hope you see
If the whole wide world is staring straight at you
They can't see me

I want them to know me
I want to show them my Glory
But they can't see me

So rise, rise, rise
Live out your fantasy
Think that you're better than me
Live out your man-made religiosity
Rise, rise, rise
Live out your strategies
Rise, rise, rise
So that the world can see just another dying star

We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord
And the greatest idol is you and me,
We better get on the threshing floor
When will we learn that God's strategy
Is giving glory to the Lord?
We better trash our idols if we want to be
In the army of the Lord...


Just the fact that I'm writing this note is enough to make me want to ask forgiveness, I know that's not what Dad wants but I just want none of me anymore. I'm just so sick of me, and my ego. I mean I can't even tell you how many times I know I've approached the Holy Spirit as if He were something I had control over, or as a "tool" I could somehow harness. How sick is that!? My heart is so heavy for everything and every time my pride has gotten in the way. And I feel like I'm probably not the only one who feels this way which is why I felt compelled to write this note. The Lord's moving and it should be our desire to catch that wave, but for me, I know that part of me would love to be the next Peter or Paul, and I'm sick of trying to be someone I'm not. I'm done with those ambitions, and although I know my flesh will cling to those desires and fight for them tooth and nail, I think we just need to trust that God is bigger than us; His star is brighter than ours! And we need to stop pretending that we could possibly shine brighter than He does. He is love, and I can tell you that sometimes love hurts... No I take it back, love hurts, but it's beautiful and gracious and kind and patient and forgiving. And I think He would rather us decide to dim our lights that His would shine brighter through us. But don't think that through His love He's going to just let you become your own god, WE mean MORE to HIM than that. Alright so now I'm ranting and I'm like 99.9% sure none of this makes sense anymore, but I wanted to share this with all of you. I want to leave you all with this...

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom... Freedom reigns in this place...

Love,
Jay