Life as it Stands

So it's been a while... How are you? I hope this finds you incredibly well and full of life... if not, than, why? As for me, I think it's time I filled you in on my life, my adventures, misadventures and rambling thoughts. So the first half of my California adventure is nearly at a close and I find myself with more questions than when I left and with fewer questions than I thought I had. I've seen some incredible things... billowing clouds of gold and imaginary gorillas (you know who you are). I came to California seeking peace and rest and found perspective and identity instead. Most importantly, I've begun to understand life for the first time. I find the concept of grace more interesting than ever before. I've come to learn that sometimes it's like receiving your red rider official carbine action BB rifle. And other times it comes with the tearing away of old scabs. Both can be painful, you may just shoot your eye out. Yet, I've come to discover that a life without grace, isn't much fun at all. Once you understand it's freedom and life, you can't help but want to pour it out on everyone around you. I had an experience last Sunday night, that I'm pretty sure has changed my life forever. I had an experience with what I think I'm coining "violent grace". Seems oxymoronic I know, until I heard the Lord give me this little catchphrase, "violent grace subdues a restless heart". A heart lacking in identity and grace will relentlessly and restlessly pursue it any way it can. And, that was me! I would search for it any way I could, through church, school, career, a future wife and kids, you name it my heart was restless for it. But now, for some reason, I'm not anymore. I had a wrestling match with grace, and guess who won... it wasn't me. I've also come to learn that Jason Phillip Urena, was made for something... and that's ok. Fear is such a thief of identity and to be honest I'm kind of done with that crap! Love, accepting that someone has chosen to love me, erases that fear, because I'm just me... and that's ok too! I know this is just about the most random thing I've ever posted, but I'm literally vomiting out the heart right now. I say all of this to say... I love you! And I love you for you! That's changed my heart, maybe it'll fill yours too! I don't really know what I'm saying anymore, so I'm going to wrap this up and say, I'm ok with you, and you being you. I like you being you! We may not see eye to eye and we may not agree on 99.9% of life, but I love you and I don't care who knows it!

Much Love,

-Jay

Hope

So it's been a long time... too long I suppose. This year has taken it's toll on my personal life that's for sure. but, in two weeks when I hold that degree in my hand, it'll be worth it. Anyway, I've had several thoughts that I've been meaning to get up on here since last September, and simply haven't had the time to, but I'm finally doing it now, so mercy please ;). I've been wrestling with a lot of change in my life recently. Future plans and past hopes colliding causing a shift in my future. It's been both exciting and frightening all wrapped up into one huge snowball of emotions and thoughts falling quickly down a steep hill. I admit, I've not spent the adequate amount of time talking with papa on most of these issues, but what I have discussed with Him, has brought me new levels of peace I've never experienced before. I was recently listening to Hillsong United (a rare occurrence these days, as I've really moved away from flashy "hype" worship, forgive me if that's being judgmental, just my current preference) and thinking about these changes that have been occurring, when the Brooke Frasier (I still have a thing for her worship haha) song, "You'll Come", came on. For those of you that don't know it, there's one specific line that goes, "as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us..." Now while I didn't necessarily have this great epiphany through this song, this one line stood out to me, and I began to ponder it. How faithful is the sun, what about the mornings when you can't see it, when all that you can see a the gray clouds prophesying rain? I know that behind those clouds, somewhere in the atmosphere, the sun is shining, providing a level of light to the world below. But, what happens when that sunrise doesn't look like we expect it to? As I was thinking and pondering about this, I stumbled upon (if you don't know stumbleupon, I highly suggest downloading the toolbar) this video...



After watching that... that portrait that's painted NEW each and everyday, how stupid is it to focus on a sunrise? When our Father is painting a new picture expressing His love and faithfulness every single moment of everyday, how insignificant is it to only see the splendor of a sunrise, when the sky displays an infinitely deeper revelation. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but that's just how my mind works. I feel led and inspired to ask for deeper vision, deeper revelation, deeper intimacy; to simply ask to be brought deeper into the fullness after seeing this. So much so, that the anxiety and fear I felt before just can't compare... If that sort of beauty is going on all around me, how could I not be loved and in return love Him? How could you not be loved and love Him in return? How could this be an accident? I can't! I challenge you to try and not feel some expression of love and beauty in your life after reflecting on Jesus after watching that...

I'll leave you with this song, not as a departure, but as a cry to know deeply the love of Jesus. Not the false pretenses, or the cookie cutter version we create to make sense of that which is illogical; a love that goes beyond the natural. To simply say, I'm here, show me who You are...



Be Blessed to be a Blessing!

Profound Subtleties

I'm often blown by the littlest things in life. A rain drop, a simple passing comment, a lyric. For some reason it's always those little things that God uses to hit me with something profound; something deep in His heart that if he used the language it deserved my mind would probably melt like the guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
So I was watching The Book of Eli today (if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it), when I have one of these "Royal WHA" moments as my Dad and my cousin T would call it. There's this scene where Denzel Washington has just defended himself against what would seem like insurmountable odds and has just left this town. He's on the outskirts when he realizes that Mila Kunis is following him. He tries to get her to leave but she protests. Here's where I got hit. She says to him, "I hate it here!" to which he simply replies in almost a whisper, "So change it." AHHHHHHH!!! I felt like I got hit by a Mack truck. He doesn't say leave, he doesn't say go somewhere else, he says, "change it." Think about that for a second. Maybe you need a bit more of a background to the movie to really get the impact of this statement (click here). How often am I ready to run out of my situation simply because "I hate it", but instead God says to me, "change it". Just some food for thought.

Friday Night Lights

So I've been in Florida for almost a week now, and last night we made our trek from Orlando to Boca, to visit my aunt. As we drove along on 95, the moon began to peek over the horizon. It was the brightest red/orange moon I have ever seen, and a thought popped into my head. Isn't it interesting that at all times, regardless of the time, there is always some sort of heavenly body in the sky that draws our gaze upwards. I chuckled a little bit when I thought about this, as if I heard Poppa say to me, "See, I'm still here!" Even during a new moon, when the faithful lunar object is no where to be seen, the stars burn brighter in the sky. Why is it such a natural thing for us to be drawn to the sky? Just a little food for thought and a reminder that you're loved deeply and tremendously!

Beauty

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word "beauty" as, "a combination of qualities such as shape, color or form that pleases the aesthetic senses". I think that's such a terrible definition of beauty. If that's what true beauty really is, than I'm a piece of crap, and I can't buy into the idea that I would be displeasing to my Father's "aesthetic senses". So what is true beauty? I think true beauty has to come from the Father, the rest is what we do with it. Ezekiel 16:14 says, "And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD." And 1 Peter 3:3-4 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." Beauty is so much more than physical attractiveness, because the world's beauty is fleeting, but our beauty is eternal. So having said all of that, I just want to simply remind you that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

The Story (So Far)

I just finished reading Don Miller's new book, "A Million Miles in A Thousand Years", and I have to say it's quite an amazing book. I've been wrestling with the whole idea of life and just how long it is. I mean I know it's more like a split second compared to eternity, but it's where I am now, and for me the thought of still being around sixty years from now terrifies me. Now, I'm not saying that in a suicidal context, but more of a, "what the hell am I going to do for the rest of my life" type of thing. I was always looking for that climax, that one event where my story would come to a head, and the rest of my life would be smooth and peaceful. I now realize that this will never happen, and as surprised as I am to say this, I'm so grateful that my story will never climax; it makes life so much more worth living. Don, talks about this a little bit in his book, how we're constantly looking for that next best thing and putting expectations on life and friends and God. I am constantly doing this, I'm always walking around with a million expectations jumping around in my head and it's almost never a productive thought. Whether it's wondering if today will be the day I finally win the lottery, to wondering if I'll stop a bank heist (yes, sometimes I really do think about things like that). These thoughts and expectations, I now know, have silenced the ones that really matter, like Daddy telling me, "today's the day I'm going to show you my love a little bit more", and I've ignored it and drowned it out with the droning of my own mind. I think the key to a happy life and knowing who God is and who we are, is letting go of expectations. It's about forgetting about looking for a climax, and joining in the adventure. There are stories going on all around us every nanosecond of every day, but we don't jump into these stories because we think, "nope, that's not part of my story arc; that's not my climax." I think we like to believe that we're the writers of our lives, when really we're just glorified editors of a story that's so much bigger and grander than anything we could ever comprehend. One of the things Miller says in his books is that, "we're all trees in a story about a forest", I love that. It just makes so much sense to me and for the first time I'm content with just being a tree in a story about a forest. I'm letting go of searching for a climax, and instead accepting my invitation into the adventures all around me. And I have to say, it's so good! So please, will you join me?

Romantic

This just happened to be the song that came on my iTunes after posting my last entry....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBp7pTXI7JQ