Life as it Stands

So it's been a while... How are you? I hope this finds you incredibly well and full of life... if not, than, why? As for me, I think it's time I filled you in on my life, my adventures, misadventures and rambling thoughts. So the first half of my California adventure is nearly at a close and I find myself with more questions than when I left and with fewer questions than I thought I had. I've seen some incredible things... billowing clouds of gold and imaginary gorillas (you know who you are). I came to California seeking peace and rest and found perspective and identity instead. Most importantly, I've begun to understand life for the first time. I find the concept of grace more interesting than ever before. I've come to learn that sometimes it's like receiving your red rider official carbine action BB rifle. And other times it comes with the tearing away of old scabs. Both can be painful, you may just shoot your eye out. Yet, I've come to discover that a life without grace, isn't much fun at all. Once you understand it's freedom and life, you can't help but want to pour it out on everyone around you. I had an experience last Sunday night, that I'm pretty sure has changed my life forever. I had an experience with what I think I'm coining "violent grace". Seems oxymoronic I know, until I heard the Lord give me this little catchphrase, "violent grace subdues a restless heart". A heart lacking in identity and grace will relentlessly and restlessly pursue it any way it can. And, that was me! I would search for it any way I could, through church, school, career, a future wife and kids, you name it my heart was restless for it. But now, for some reason, I'm not anymore. I had a wrestling match with grace, and guess who won... it wasn't me. I've also come to learn that Jason Phillip Urena, was made for something... and that's ok. Fear is such a thief of identity and to be honest I'm kind of done with that crap! Love, accepting that someone has chosen to love me, erases that fear, because I'm just me... and that's ok too! I know this is just about the most random thing I've ever posted, but I'm literally vomiting out the heart right now. I say all of this to say... I love you! And I love you for you! That's changed my heart, maybe it'll fill yours too! I don't really know what I'm saying anymore, so I'm going to wrap this up and say, I'm ok with you, and you being you. I like you being you! We may not see eye to eye and we may not agree on 99.9% of life, but I love you and I don't care who knows it!

Much Love,

-Jay

Hope

So it's been a long time... too long I suppose. This year has taken it's toll on my personal life that's for sure. but, in two weeks when I hold that degree in my hand, it'll be worth it. Anyway, I've had several thoughts that I've been meaning to get up on here since last September, and simply haven't had the time to, but I'm finally doing it now, so mercy please ;). I've been wrestling with a lot of change in my life recently. Future plans and past hopes colliding causing a shift in my future. It's been both exciting and frightening all wrapped up into one huge snowball of emotions and thoughts falling quickly down a steep hill. I admit, I've not spent the adequate amount of time talking with papa on most of these issues, but what I have discussed with Him, has brought me new levels of peace I've never experienced before. I was recently listening to Hillsong United (a rare occurrence these days, as I've really moved away from flashy "hype" worship, forgive me if that's being judgmental, just my current preference) and thinking about these changes that have been occurring, when the Brooke Frasier (I still have a thing for her worship haha) song, "You'll Come", came on. For those of you that don't know it, there's one specific line that goes, "as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us..." Now while I didn't necessarily have this great epiphany through this song, this one line stood out to me, and I began to ponder it. How faithful is the sun, what about the mornings when you can't see it, when all that you can see a the gray clouds prophesying rain? I know that behind those clouds, somewhere in the atmosphere, the sun is shining, providing a level of light to the world below. But, what happens when that sunrise doesn't look like we expect it to? As I was thinking and pondering about this, I stumbled upon (if you don't know stumbleupon, I highly suggest downloading the toolbar) this video...



After watching that... that portrait that's painted NEW each and everyday, how stupid is it to focus on a sunrise? When our Father is painting a new picture expressing His love and faithfulness every single moment of everyday, how insignificant is it to only see the splendor of a sunrise, when the sky displays an infinitely deeper revelation. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but that's just how my mind works. I feel led and inspired to ask for deeper vision, deeper revelation, deeper intimacy; to simply ask to be brought deeper into the fullness after seeing this. So much so, that the anxiety and fear I felt before just can't compare... If that sort of beauty is going on all around me, how could I not be loved and in return love Him? How could you not be loved and love Him in return? How could this be an accident? I can't! I challenge you to try and not feel some expression of love and beauty in your life after reflecting on Jesus after watching that...

I'll leave you with this song, not as a departure, but as a cry to know deeply the love of Jesus. Not the false pretenses, or the cookie cutter version we create to make sense of that which is illogical; a love that goes beyond the natural. To simply say, I'm here, show me who You are...



Be Blessed to be a Blessing!